With Summer Came the Sunlight

 In a number of days it will officially be the beginning of summer and the longest day of the year, but in my own record of things summer has already begun. Since last I wrote the trees have come to full foliage, the air to its familiar humid languor, and the sun to it’s oppressive throne. All is right in the world once again and it shall be so for, oh I would say, about three months.

From time to time I catch my self, as if in a fit, feeling like my whole body is clenched and rigid. More so I find my mind to be trained and sharp but lacking pleasure. I have become a machine, a register for striving and fighting, but failing all together to enjoy. At those times I try to remind my self of a mental image, a fox in the field, that has always served to soften my heart. I remind my self to regain perspective and to be warm and feeling and content rather than cool and swift and steeled to the world.

 

 

In a Year to Come

 To start off I would like to let you know that I have moved what was going to be my “Corvid Logs” over to their own separate blog called Chasing Crows. I realized very quickly that if I were to host it here it would over run my normal writing and dilute the purpose of this blog. Please take a look around next time you are in the mood for some tales about our feathered friends.  Read about the harrowing chase between a flock for crows and a Red Tailed Hawk or puzzle about their strange ritualistic dance taking place in secret every evening just before night fall. Every day is sure to bring new excitement and more questions.

 

Okay, now that I’m done plugging that, on to the topic of the night. I would like to try a little experiment wherein I describe the best possible situation. I want to list out what the world would look like if all the things I worry about went right. I’m not sure what the purpose of this experiment is, but I figured I would give it a go non the less.

 

To set the stage it is new year’s eve in some near or distant year. We all watch as the countdown ticks away the remaining seconds of the year. No one can help but reflect briefly on the events that have shaped and defined the last 12 month of our lives.

The economy is back in full swing. There is now an excess of demand for just about everything and new businesses are popping up all over the place to fill in the niches. Small businesses that weathered the economic storms of the last few years have flourished and taken on new life. I have become regional manager and oversee three other stores. I no longer work as a technician unless I want to.

There is money. No too much money, no one is buying a mansion or sports car, but we can now afford the basics in life. Everyone is wearing a tailored suit. My brother just put a down payment on a house near the sea coast. I still live in my den.

We got over hating everyone. It turns out there are good people in the world and we just couldn’t see it. Love is in the air  for once. I was wrong about everything and I do want to love and be loved. I lock eyes with someone I have known for months am transfixed by her gaze. She is the smartest woman I have ever known.

I think I may want children someday. I had always pushed the thought down because I was too insecure, both financially and emotionally. Now that I have come into my own I realize that I have a lot to give a child and want to pass on my legacy.

It turns out that global warming is not catastrophic but we change our ways anyway. We make a complete switch to renewable production. If it were not for the threat of global disaster we may never have made that leap. All heavy metals and rare earth metals get recycled from electronics. We mine asteroids for lithium to make the batteries for our cars.

Space in economically viable

So that is just a quick run down of what the world would look like if everything went really great. A lot of those things I don’t actually believe will, or even should, happen. But the point of the experiment was to be gob-stoppingly optimistic, and gosh darned it if I wernt.

4.17.12

Early on in the day I saw a single crow perched in on a distant tree to the east, same tree as Friday. that one seems to be a common spot.

Alerted by a single Short high call I went out to check on the crows. Two of them had landed in the grass of my neighbors yard, just on the other side of a chain link fence.

They moved along checking the ground for food most likely and didn’t take too much interest in my presence for the first minute. I had to leave to go indoors for a brief moment then returned while the crows continued on unchanged.

After a minute or two of photographing the two moved closer together into the middle of the yard. The most mobile and closest one (pictured above) definitely took notice of me at this point, turning and tilting his head to get a better look. I remained motionless while still aiming the camera then decided to look away for a moment to give the impression that I was uninterested.

When I turned back they were both looking at me, heads tilted and beaks open. I cant be sure but it would appear that at least one of them had throat feathers raised.  After brief hesitation the first crow took flight and headed off entirely. The second took off a moment later and perched in one of the primary trees that seems to get a lot of use.

I’m still not sure what the effect of my involvement is with these birds is. I don’t know whether my presence is taken as benign, as a treat, or simply ignored. Todays interaction seems to show their awareness of humans in the environment and hint at a level of wariness on their part.

Solice of Solitude

Its been a week of almost full solitude. The only notable interactions have been Monday evening with nick, brief visit on Tuesday from him as well. Drinks with CR on Wednesday and going to the club with my brother on Saturday night. Other than that it has been nothing but me, work, and running.

Of course it would be hypocritical of me to bemoan this solitude considering how much I have railed against my busy social calender as of late, but I would also be lying if I said I didn’t miss some interaction. Particularly I feel bad about not having actually had a weekend with my brother. Normally I leave the den and travel to meet family on weekends, but my work scheduled has changed to preclude that this week and next.

To a certain extent I think that my love for solitude is a bit narcissistic. Its a way to make my whole world about me. I have time and leisure to make sure that I feel good and others only obstruct that.

 

I’m like a monk in his monastery trying to achieve enlightenment. I view most things out side my self as distractions from whatever I am trying to achieve. I have notice that when I am with other people and the recreation we are indulging in is not interesting enough to me I begin thinking of how I might have better spent the time alone. I could watch t.v. by my self  any time I like. When I am with people I want the interaction to be intense and deep, other wise it is just waisting time. If my interactions with people are less stimulating that staring at a wall thinking to my self, then I will not enjoy interacting with them. Simple enough.

On another note, I did go out to get drinks with CR. She actually failed to respond to me and we ended up going out pretty late because she slept through my messages. At this point I think I have done enough of the nice guy act. I have essentially debased my self by playing nice for the past week.  On Saturday evening she messaged me saying playfully saying “we hate you” and “me and my friend think you are lame”, no doubt because I was not going to join her at a party.  I only responded with a subdued “I’m wounded” which she likely did not understand.

That would be no big issue as it’s normal push and shove flirting to see if you can evoke a reaction from your partner. Problem is that I do not see her as a potential mate anymore, nor should she see me that way. We tried things on and I said it didn’t work. She is still trying I think. Of course I hadn’t seen this until now and have bowed to the pressures of “let be friends”.

To end this on a positive note, I did 16 miles on Saturday completely barefoot. I feel incredibly good about that.

Cry Crow

I was lured out side by the long Caw-caw of a crow. Its been on my mind to start keeping tabs of the local crows and this seemed like as good a time as any. I grabbed my old film camera with a telephoto lens and stepped outside to see what was happening.

4-12:
First saw a single crow perched on the large tree out back. Nothing much of note. Later A pair perched on the secondary trees close by the big one. The were both making territorial “Kek-kek-kek” calls in the westward direction. I could hear a response from about a block down but could not see the other bird. It sounded like there was only one bird responding.

The pair seemed cooperative and made their calls in tandem. I thought I heard other vocalizations between the two but they were too faint to be sure.

4-13:

Single crow flew over making calls then perched on a tree a block to the east. Stayed perched for about 10 minutes making only occasional calls, then flew off headed east. I attempted to follow but never managed to find it perched again. Followed what may have been the same bird in a loop terminating at the park. Back at the large tree I could see between 5-6 crows riding thermals. One or two would break off to either return later or be replaced by new crows. several then proceeded to perch in nearby trees. One perched in a tree not 5 feet from me and made territorial calls at another still in the air. The second bird in question swooped in and pushed the first off it’s branch.

later a pair perched in the short secondary trees and made territorial calls to the west the same as Thursday. I could quite possibly be the same pair as last time. If thats the case they made be a resident pair or looking to set up in the area of the big tree.

The calls continued on and I moved in closer to get a good picture. Possibly die to my proximity, although they paid me no attention, they moved to another tree further away and continued their squabble with the neighbors, who I could now see. One of the neighbors was perched in a big tree at the end of the block while the other remained hidden. The first pair, who I will assume are repeat characters and refer to as pair A, flew over to a telephone pole to get closer to the neighbors and continue their territorial dispute. It was at this point that the second neighbor first made it’s appearance. Coming out from hiding it swooped in ad tackled one of pair A perched on the telephone pole in much the same way as earlier. If they were in fact the same crows involved in both scuffles I do not know.  The attacked crow held its’ ground and remained on the pole while the other crow from pair A retreated from the advance of the neighbor and returned to their last tree. Much more posturing and calling ensued until Pair A and the Neighbors took to the sky and flew almost out of sight. What I believe to have been Pair A ended up perching on another telephone pole vary far away and continued making calls. Then one flew off followed by the other only a minute later, both in the same direction.

Fox in the Forests

 Went Back to the trails I discovered with nick last week by my self this time. My feet had been feeling a little on the sore side and I was reminded of last year around this time when I became convinced I had sister stress fractures on the 5th metatarsal of both feet. It clearly was not that because it healed much quicker than it should have, but I missed about a month of running in there. Not wanting a new injury I have to be careful of my miles. Really I should have taken a rest day, but  I made a compromise and promised my self I would go easy on the trails. To sweeten the deal I went fully barefoot.

This has to rank in my top ten runs of the year so far. The earth was soft and dusty. Every footfall raised a small plume of  dirt. My feet wove through the roots and rocks with ease. The trails were winding and long. I know that I did not cover them all, let alone get to understand where I was going.

Eventually I actually had to stop and turn back on a trail. This is rare as I normally try to follow it out. That just means that I know there is yet still unexplored trail!

I felt like a right proper wild animal by the time I emerged from those woods.

All in all its been a good day. I haven’t interacted with any one except nick for about 15 minutes. Its not that I like being completely alone, but it is nice to have this solid chunk of time to my self. Tomorrow I think I’m going to have to go get drinks with CR. She is probably pretty upset with me.

More CR? Oh Dear.

CR contacted me again to talk over what “cool things off” meant. She was definitely upset about my behavior. I told her that I was “not feeling it” and that I did not want to lead her on. She still seemed up set and so I did something I’m not too happy about, I told her we could still meet up some time this week. I’m not sure why I bother, I don’t have any desire to continue a relationship with her in any capacity. Still I did not want to be rude.

It baffles me that I willingly trade my happiness for that of another person with out any real incentive. I am doing , and possibly will continue, to do things to let CR believe that I’m still interested in a friendship. I could not care less about that. Perhaps at one point before all of this I could have been okay with that, but now there will undoubtedly be animosity. So I have no desire to do this yet I continue on to comfort her.

Why does she even care? What do people gain from these interactions? Do I enrich her life in some way? Does interacting with me make her happier?

I know for my self this is almost never the case. Being with people is a chore. I pay lip service to friendship around my friend to keep things amiable but care little for it. The only friendships I maintain are those that benefit me or enrich my life. The friendship that take more out of me than they give are useless to me.

I really would like to not be bothered by people for a while. I wish I could just go running and forget about all of this.

Now thinking about it I am not sure that my problem is people per se. I have gotten so worn out in the past few months that I am reacting very defensively to the thought of dealing with people. The feeling I am getting is that I just cant handle them any more. Something else must be going on to make me so reclusive. Perhaps some other part of my life is interacting here.

One Week.

This is life. This is living at its finest. Long unexplored trails winding through the woods. Dusty path under bare foot. Friend at my side. Sunset in April.  Beer and blue light to talk into the night.

No more CR.

I went with nick to a close but some how still unexplored park in the area. This has to have been one of the greatest finds since I learned of the trails around the bay my first year here. There are miles of good trail just waiting to be explored. I can only imagine how beautiful it will be once the leaves come out fully and everything is green again.

Even now the weather is changing. Slowly but surely spring is taking its hold. Its nothing like the one week of “summer” we had in late march, but its getting there. This time it feels earned. All that aside we are still a month or two ahead of last year with the weather.

I think I made it know in my posts a while back that I have never been overwhelmingly attracted to CR and even at times viewed her as a bit of an annoyance. Of course then over the passed week I have done nothing but talk about her. Perhaps I thought it was possible to develop a relationship out of sheer will power and spite. It is not. Despite how committed I was previously to following things through and seeing how far I could take it, I simply lost interest. So we had one week of sex and intimacy and then I told her I wanted to “cool it off”. Hopefully she understands what this means. She definitely wont initiate contact in the next week or so, then after that its not hard to decline interaction. She knows this means I’m not interested.

Still I feel unsatisfied with her response of “ok”. no explanation necessary. No questions. just ok.

Please don’t intemperate this as my having regrets, not in the least. I am certain of my choices. Instead its simply concern for her as another human being. Also please understand that I feel better today than I have in quite some time. Its like quitting a job you hate, the horizon just opens up.

And Further Confusion.

Lest things get too gossipy here I will attempt to make this brief. CR has made everything just a shade more complicated than it need be. She admitted to me over text yesterday that she met up with another guy but did not have sex with him. She thinks that I am mad about this. She thinks that even even the act of going to another mans house is going to hurt me. Most importantly, she felt the need to tell me this.

Now no matter which way I look at this it is not good. I figure there are several possibilities, one more likely than the rest.

• First and most likely is that she is honestly upset about this and wants to be open and honest in the interest of a future relationship. This has the distinct disadvantage of  meaning that she is somewhat invested in a relationship with me and considers things already serious enough that we would have an expectation of exclusivity.
• She might just be trying to make me jealous to see my reaction. I have little doubt that the events in question actually happened, but her revealing them to me might be a probing maneuver to see how seriously I take the relationship. Even if not intentionally the point of her revealing this to me, she will none the less get to observe my reaction and this will invariably be indicative of how seriously I take the relationship.
• She could be trying to create a break. I have to admit that I seriously considered taking this opportunity to stop seeing CR because it would have been easier that it will be in the future. Its possible but unlikely that she was hoping for that.

I have sent a minimal response to let her know that I want to talk to her about this. I used the word fuck in reference to sex which breaks my normal vernacular, perhaps giving the impression that I was angry. Finally this morning I simply responded that I was not mad.

Tonight when we do talk I’m going to let her know that I am not upset. My intention is to make nothing of it in person. This will be in contrast to the long response times and altered language of my texts the day before. This has the benefits of  appearing outwardly okay with the situation but leaving room for her to think that I reacted strongly the day before. If I act too affected by it in person I risk looking clingy or presumptuous of a serious relationship that could be hurt in this way, if I am too glib with my dismissal I risk looking uninterested and aloof.

This response is the best of both worlds.  I lie by telling the truth unconvincingly.

Wow

 This is just great.